I found a great list online this morning. It's about stress. There are plenty of online articles that tell you how to fight stress. This list tells you how to stay stressed. It's tongue-in-cheek, but I like their approach. And I think it's a great approach for Americans. I think Americans hate to be told what to do, but somehow we don't mind being warned about what not to do.
First, never exercise. Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying. Next, eat anything you want. They reason that if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn't likely to do it, either.
Next, gain weight. Work hard, they say, at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight. And take plenty of stimulants. The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar and cola will continue to do the job just fine.
Avoid stress-relieving practices. Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation, yoga, deep breathing and mental imaging help to reduce stress. Then get rid of your social support system. Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that you concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, be sure to avoid them.
Here's a fun one: Personalize all criticism. Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, your family, your dog, your house or your car is mountain a personal attack. Do not take time to listen. Just be offended and be ready to return the attack.
Next, throw out your sense of humor. Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it should never be treated as one. And here's one for males and females alike: Be macho. Never ever ask for help, and if you want something done right, do it yourself.
Become a workaholic. Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies. Discard good time management skills. Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done, and then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.
Procrastinate. Putting things off until the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress. And worry about things you can't control. If it's not your job, be sure to worry extra hard about it. And finally, become a perfectionist. Not only that, but set impossibly high standards. Either beat yourself up or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged and inadequate when you don't meet them.
Now here's a confession. My wife and I have been together for nine years, and during that entire time, I've been following this list. I hadn't seen the list, but this is how I've been operating. Meanwhile, she's continually preached just the opposite to me. It seems that if I bothered to take a moment and think about it, I'd get the idea that she likes having me around. Too bad there's no time for relationships.
I'm busy.
