Lots of Americans have been caught up in World Cup fever the past few weeks. More were interested before the U.S. was eliminated, but there are still millions who will watch the final between Argentina and Germany this Sunday.
But there are also lots of Americans who just can't get into soccer, especially those who prefer aggressive offense and lots of scoring, which soccer doesn't have unless the Germans happen to be playing Brazil. On Twitter and Facebook, there have been a plethora of suggestions about what changes should be made to make soccer more interesting. My favorite suggestion was that one or possibly a series of skunks should be released onto the field at the beginning of play.
I looked around the Internet, and I found several suggestions for making all sorts of sports more interesting. Here are some possible new rules and regulations.
Boxing: If a clinch lasts longer than three seconds, it must be accompanied by a passionate kiss.
NASCAR: Drivers may choose to race in either a Chevrolet Cobalt or a Ford Pinto with no rear bumper.
Bobsledding: Speed bumps. Just one per course would probably be enough.
Golf: Add air horns. Or the player judged to have the ugliest pants must wrestle a bear.
Basketball: It will now be permissible to distract a free-throw shooter by blowing into his ear.
Figure skating: Every arena will have a randomly-placed patch of unmarked thin ice.
America's Cup: Add the extra obstacle of pirates.
Speed walking: At the beginning of the race, the track will be covered with marbles.
Gymnastics: Replace the pommel horse with a real horse.
Synchronized swimming: During a performance, the opposition may call out "Marco!"
Baseball: Celebrities who throw out the ceremonial first pitch will also be required to pitch the first inning.
Ski jumping: While a competitor is in mid-air, opponents will be allowed to shoot at him with paintball guns. The name of the sport may also be eventually changed to "skeet" jumping.
And one more, my favorite. Fencing: Before scoring a winning touch, the advancing fencer must say, in a Spanish accent, "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
My guess is that any of these changes would sell more tickets, and a LOT more beer.
