In honor of Fathers' Day, which is this Sunday, here are some of history's greatest fathers.
Byron Keith Perkins – Perkins was temporarily let out of jail in January of 2006 so he could donate a kidney to his ailing son. Instead of showing up at the hospital, Perkins drove to his girlfriend's house, picked her up and escaped to Mexico. He was arrested more than a year later in Puerto Vallarta.
Constantine the Great – For reasons that are lost in history, the Roman emperor Constantine had his son Crispus executed in 326 AD. Monuments to Crispus were destroyed, and his name was erased from all official Roman records.
Bruce McMahan – McMahan, a multimillionaire living in Florida, secretly got married to his sixth wife in 2004. The marriage wasn't legal for several reasons. First, McMahan was still married to his fifth wife. Second, his bride, Linda Schutt, was still married to her first husband. Third, Linda Schutt was Bruce McMahan's daughter. Yes, they were well aware that they were father and daughter. And yes, they have since split up.
Johnny Eric Marlowe – Marlowe, who had already been convicted of child neglect and assault, was additionally charged with child abuse after authorities found out he had personally circumcised two of his sons with a household utility knife.
Ivan the Terrible – In 1581, the Russian czar thought his pregnant daughter-in-law's clothing was too revealing, so he beat her with his fists until she had a miscarriage. Ivan's son angrily objected, so Ivan beat him to death with a scepter.
Josef Fritzl – This Austrian man kept his daughter Elisabeth chained in a cellar beneath his home for 24 years. He repeatedly raped her, eventually fathering seven children. Three of those children were also kept locked in the cellar, while the others were allowed to live normal lives upstairs. Elisabeth was discovered by authorities in 2008 after she slipped a note explaining her imprisonment into the pocket of one of the children, who was headed to a doctor's appointment.
Herod the Great – The perpetually-paranoid king of Judea was bothered by prophecies of a newly-born king, so he famously had all male babies in the territory murdered, including three of his own sons.
Thomas Boleyn – Boleyn pressured his daughter, Anne, to marry King Henry VIII, even though the king was already married. Three years after the wedding, Anne fell out of favor with the king and was beheaded on trumped-up charges of treason. Her brother, George, was also falsely charged and beheaded. Thomas Boleyn, who had been rewarded handsomely by the king, failed to intervene in any way.
Still worried about your own parenting skills? Me, neither. And I'm starting to cut Michael Jackson and Woody Allen a little slack, too.
