For ten years in the 90's, the city of Boise had a pretty good festival. It was called the Boise River Festival, and it featured balloon launches, day and night parades, big-name free concerts, exhibits, cooking contests, variety entertainment, colorful souvenir t-shirts and tons of concessions. Some people thought it was weird to have a festival centered around a river as small as the Boise River. And they were right. It was a little bit weird. It just wasn't weird enough. The Boise River Festival folded in 2000 because of financial problems and never has made a comeback.
I say it wasn't weird enough because other festivals around the country are a lot weirder, and they haven't folded. Here are some examples. If you're looking for a new road trip this summer, you might want to consider checking them out.
The Idiotarod (not to be confused with Alaska's Iditarod) is a series of shopping cart races. They're held each year in several American cities, including Asheville, North Carolina and Vancouver, Washington. During the Idiotarod, teams of costumed idiots use trickery, muscle and science to speed their creative shopping cart contraptions through city streets.
The Wayne Chicken Show takes place in Nebraska. It started in 1981, and it's grown into an enormous celebration of all things chicken. It begins with All Hen's Eve (or Henoween) and includes chicken jokes, chicken games, chicken costumes, chicken dancing and finally a big chicken dinner.
The Honobia Bigfoot Festival and Conference takes place in southeastern Oklahoma. The faithful gather to browse all manner of Bigfoot art, then they listen around a roaring fire to storytellers who claim to have had Bigfoot encounters. Afterward, they dance to the music of the Bigfoot Boogie Band. Admission is free, unless you want to attend some of the "serious" Bigfoot-related lectures. Then you have to pay.
The Wisconsin State Cow Chip Throw honors the cows that make Wisconsin's dairy industry possible. There are parades and cow pie-eating contests (they're made with beef, not the other stuff) and the throwing contest itself, which thankfully is held on a natural-turf field. The current record chip toss is 248 feet. That's the equivalent of standing in the end zone of a football field and tossing a piece of petrified cow dung all the way to the 13-yard line on the other side of the field.
Crystal Falls, Michigan is the site of the annual Humungus Fungus Fest. At some point in science class you've probably heard of the discovery of an underground fungus in Michigan that covers 37 acres, is approximately 1500 years old and ranks as the single largest living organism discovered on earth. That's what they're celebrating with this festival, which includes the creation of a massive mushroom pizza.
The Tarantula Awareness Festival is held in Coarsegold, California each year with arachnid-inspired poems, songs, crafts and events, culminating in a hairy leg contest.
Head for the Appalachians for the weekend-long Hillbilly Days Festival. You can participate in the quilt show, the hillbilly music contest (mostly bluegrass music) and something called the cornhole contest, which I hope involves that beanbag-tossing game you see at tailgate parties. You can also enjoy plenty of victuals (that's the correct spelling of the word we pronounce as "vittles").
Lastly, you'll need scuba gear to participate in the annual Lower Keys Underwater Music Festival. It's held in the Florida Keys, and yes, it's held underwater. If you go, you'll hear watered-down, muted versions of songs like "Yellow Submarine", "Under the Sea" and even "How Deep is Your Love" as performed by both human beings and whales. The whale songs aren't as easy to identify. This festival ends with a visit from the Snorkeling Elvises (I still maintain that the plural of Elvis is Elvi).
So how should we compete here in Boise? I suppose we could always create a festival centered around the potato, since they have kind of a comical image anyway. I can see it now. French fries, potato chips, baked potatoes, carving contests, visits from Spuds McKenzie and Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head, and a dunking booth where you throw potatoes (naturally) to dunk a lookalike of Michelle Obama. If it can work anywhere, this might be the place.
